If we change alcohol to infertility, Step One becomes we admitted we were powerless over infertility--that our lives had become unmanageable. Most people who seek infertility treatment will conceive. Step One does not take away the necessity of medical treatment, nor does it imply that you shouldn't seek control. One needs to feel a sense of control. Control can be found by gathering information on adoption and by tailoring a treatment plan that meets your needs.

For some couples, no matter what they do, a biological child is not conceived or brought to term. They are powerless over infertility. Nobody wants to admit defeat. The first hint of powerlessness comes when we first seek medical intervention. We haven't been able to conceive on our own. We can no longer deny that something is wrong. Outside help is needed. If medical intervention doesn't produce a pregnancy, then we face a greater sense of defeat. We no longer feel as powerful as we did previously in the way we work, play, or love. Step One encourages us to accept and admit that we are powerless. We learn that only through admitting our powerlessness are we able to rise above it. Only when we recognize and accept our lack of power through humility will we rebuild and find a wholeness in our lives.

Step One leaves us feeling powerless, Step Two offers us help. Belief in a Higher Power is difficult for some people. The steps rely on an openness to the possibility of a Power greater than ourselves. A.A. has a wide-open gate through which almost anyone can walk in search of a belief in a Higher Power. You don't have to swallow the concept of a Higher Power totally. Many people who have not believed in the past have been helped just by allowing for the possibility of a Higher Power.

If there is a God, why hasn't He given us a baby? Those who had faith may come close to losing it when anger and disappointment overwhelm their belief in God.

In this step we are asked to place our thoughts, feelings, and our lives in the hands of a Higher Power. We are assured that He loves and cares for us. Let me illustrate this step with my own story.

After twelve years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, my husband and I chose to adopt an infant. We had done everything humanly possible to have a biological child. Six months after the homestudy was completed, the long-awaited telephone call from the adoption agency finally came. They had a baby girl for us. It was Christmas and everything seemed perfect. She was beautiful. We saw her in the infant home, fed her, held her, and went home to wait out the obligatory twenty-four hours until we could bring her home. Just after returning home, the agency called and said the birth mother had changed her mind and we couldn't have the baby. We felt such despair. I realized that I was absolutely powerless. I had done everything I could to have a child. I suffered through the surgeries, worked though the homestudy process, and waited for her placement. I knew my only hope lay in turning my will over to God. I had to trust Him. I let go and let God take over. At the moment of letting go I felt an inner peace that I hadn't felt for a long time. In the morning the agency called and said the birth mother had changed her mind during the night. We could come and pick up our child. I Trusted God and He came through in the time and in the way that was best for all of us. Not only did we receive the child we were meant to have, but I learned a valuable lesson in trusting.

In this step we simply take stock of ourselves. We examine our lives, not just the negative aspects, but the positive side of ourselves also. It is easy to list our defects, but we forget how skilled, competent, and successful we are in other parts of our lives. Your spouse can help you to list your pluses if it seems too difficult to list them yourself.

Too often infertility is the only yardstick by which we value ourselves. Focusing on our good points may help to keep infertility in perspective. For example, we might list our willingness to nurture our spouse, to take risks, or develop insight on the positive side of our inventory.

This step calls us out of our isolation. Discriminatory choosing someone with whom to talk will release you from bottled up feelings. Talking with someone else about your infertility is a relief if you have chosen the other person well. It is hard to talk to family and friends the first time, but all that energy that kept you silent can be used in other ways. If no one seems to be an appropriate choice, you may want to consider a professional counselor who is experienced in infertility.

While we are waiting for parenthood we can make good use of this time. We can take action to remove those defects which we became aware of through the Step Four inventory. It may be difficult for us to let go of some of our defects. We may be so focused on our infertility that we don't look at what other parts of ourselves need growth and change. Opening up to having these defects removed is half the battle. Sometimes we prefer to stick with what we know even if it is uncomfortable and defective. We fear what we do not know, and prefer to stay with what is known.

Most of us give lip service to humility. We see it as a good quality to have, but we rely principally upon ourselves first and God second. We find ourselves doing our will first, God's second. We are reluctant to get rid of the character flaws that we enjoy so much. We find humility only when we are humiliated enough to accept it. Although most of the medical treatment is humbling, I thought that I was special or different. Through this specialness, I was going to be one of the lucky ones who conceived. It didn't happen, and I was humbled again.

This step deals with our relationships with others and ourselves. One of the hardest tasks is to admit, "I made a mistake, will you forgive me?" Developing this skill before the children come into your lives allows you to model this behavior for them. We may also need to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes. We may blame ourselves for our childlessness through some action we took in the past. You may say to yourself, if I wouldn't have stayed in the previous relationship so long I could have had more months to try and become pregnant. Some women have chosen abortion at an earlier time in their lives and now need to forgive themselves. We harm ourselves by being so angry with ourselves. We become depressed when we direct that anger inward.

Couples who are infertile experience anger which may be directed indiscriminately towards family, spouses, or doctors. Hearing the phrase "relax, and you'll get pregnant" may cause you to unleash all your pent up anger. Anger is a legitimate feeling and a necessary stage to go through, but sometimes we injure others with our anger. When the timing is right for you, and you are ready to reveal some infertility information, you may want to share with your family some information about your infertility. Educate them on what you are going through and that anger is a part of what you feel. Reveal only as much as you feel comfortable revealing. Let them know that your moods are affected by the cycle of hope and disappointment that occur each month. You can send them articles and books describing the process. Writing a letter to your family may help you make amends. It may be easier for you to present the facts to them in a letter where they cannot interrupt.

Keeping a daily balance sheet of our assets and liabilities allows us to stay in touch with ourselves emotionally. Because we did not take stock of how we were feeling on a daily basis, we might stockpile our anger, sadness, and disappointment. We feel blindsided by feelings that we did not see coming because our attention was on our temperature chart or the color of our ovu-stick.

Twenty minutes a day talking with your spouse about your feelings and having your spouse hear your feelings without judgments or corrections keeps you on track. Your spouse who is sharing his or her feelings, too, is not just fixing on you, but is able to focus on his or her own feelings. The result is an awareness that you are not alone.

Keeping a positive personal inventory is a way of patting yourself on the back for all the hard work you are doing. Even though you may not have reached your goal today of having a baby, identifying and expressing gratitude for the small blessings keeps you centered.

Prayer seems strange to some who have only been taught rote prayers with closed hands. Henri J.M. Nouwen invites us in With Open Hands to open our hands and experience silent prayer. It can be frightening for us to give up the "noise" of our infertility. The appointments, procedures, and tests create "noise" which wards off anxiety. When we listen to our inner voices we hear God's will. Infertility can often make us feel weak and powerless. Through prayer we are called to share in God's will for us. Barbara Eck Menning says that sometimes we stare at the closed door of infertility so long what we don't see other doors opening for us.